🥤Chronicles of an obsessed lover

Issue 05

👋 Hello. Have you seen Obsession? The film takes that familiar idea of falling for someone and asks what happens when attraction starts to look a little too much like fixation.

This week, we spoke to someone whose own experience came dangerously close to a Joe Goldberg reality. It started one way, then slowly became something else entirely. She eventually found a way out, but not before things got complicated. Read on to find out what happened and how she overcame it.

In this issue:

Chronicles of an obsessed lover
Is it really a privacy invasion?
Traits of an obsessed person
This week’s recs

Chronicles of an obsessed lover

For this week’s Spilling the Juice, Olivia* (24) shares her experience with a talking stage who grew obsessed with her. She details their meeting, the unsettling behavior that forced her to walk away, and the lasting impact it left on her life.

Meeting Akeem* last year was not planned; I met him when I wasn’t looking for a relationship. One of my New Year's resolutions was to focus on myself, and it was going very well. He texted me on Instagram, and our conversations kicked off nicely. He stayed nearby, which made me very open to seeing where things led. Before long, we were in a talking stage.

He was always particular about tiny details and revealed information about me he shouldn't know; he even asked me about the resolution I never told him about. My best friend and housemate, KO, said I probably didn't remember telling him because I rambled a lot. Also, Akeem always wanted to know everything I did, even how I breathed. It wasn't unsettling because I thought he was just getting to know me.

I genuinely liked Akeem, his company, and it was obvious how smitten he was with me. Gradually, he started doing funny things like reaching out to my friends whenever he couldn't get through to me. I called him out on that, so he apologized and stopped. Even after he stopped, I caught glimpses of him at my gym, the cafe where I bought snacks, and places he knew I’d be. It felt creepy because why was it always the exact time I was at these places that he showed up?

I called KO’s attention to it, and she got really scared. When she reacted the way she did, I started to panic, so I ended things. He bombarded my phone with messages and lurked around my apartment for days. Eventually, we met, and I settled on being friends. The friendship was mostly one-sided, as he did most of the reaching out. He even bought me a pet that I refused.

One day, I went on a trip with a friend group, and the internet service was really bad there. Akeem was aware of this out-of-town trip because I told him during our talking stage. I couldn't do anything on my phone, and when I managed to, I saw his many messages and calls. KO was also at her family's house that weekend.

After my trip, I met with KO and spent a night at her parents' before heading to our place. She told me how Akeem disturbed her throughout with frequent calls and messages. She told me it felt like babying a child, and with how pestering he could be, I knew how bad it must have been for her. He also called my elder sister, who was far away in another state, to “ask about my welfare.” My sister had to call KO, who assured her everything was alright.

When we got home from the trip, our door opened easily. We concluded the locks had gone bad or KO forgot to lock up behind her while rushing home. Also, nothing was missing, so we didn't bother questioning what happened. The next morning, the door fixer said someone most likely broke in and forcefully pushed the door. Shivers ran through my body, and I knew I was in trouble.

That same night, I went through my social media apps. I discovered that My Eyes Only on Snapchat had been wiped off, probably from persistent login attempts, and I had to log in again. It didn't click that someone had tried to breach the app until I checked the Sharing location feature. I only share my location with my friends and siblings, but guess who added himself? Akeem did. KO and I checked my WhatsApp, and it was cloned too.

The next time I saw him, I confronted him, and he denied it. I realized I was dealing with an obsessive liar. Adding himself to my location viewers was his last step in making sure I wasn’t lying to him. That was the breaking point for me. I completely cut him off, and even though he begged, I was done with him.

He showed up to places I frequent, and it took threatening him with a lawyer to stop him from coming to see me. I blocked him everywhere, but it didn't help that he knew where I lived. That scared me every day. I spent the rest of that year looking over my shoulder and wishing I had stuck with my resolution to focus on myself.

When our rent expired, my friend and I packed out of that neighbourhood. I am more at peace this year, but I can’t stop looking over my shoulder, panicking when my nose catches his familiar scent, or even running for my life when any man approaches me. I’ve still not gotten over this, and I don’t think I ever will. I might end up taking those therapy offers.

If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer.

Polls

In our last issue, 37% of you voted disrespect as their greatest ick. True, that shouldn’t slide; but neither should dirtiness. This week we want to know which traits you consider obsessions.

What traits do you consider obsessions?

Phone snooping

Controlling places you visit

Clinginess

Location stalking

Ask Big Aunty

People always say never to check your partner’s phone, but I went down that rabbit hole this weekend, and I really regret it. I saw conversations between my fiancé and his family where they said some pretty horrible things about me, and from what I read, it’s clear they don't like me and are simply tolerating my presence.

What hurts even more is that whenever I’m around them, everything is perfectly fine. Now I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my boyfriend I saw the messages and confront him, knowing I invaded his privacy? Or do I keep quiet and try to let it go? Because after seeing what I saw, I don't know how I’m supposed to continue this relationship as if nothing happened.

Serah*

My darling,

I’m sorry you had to see all of that. But honestly, I don’t think you should simply sweep it under the rug and pretend you never saw those conversations. Yes, you invaded his privacy by going through his phone, but to be honest, the universe wanted you to see those messages.

I always say that one of the worst things a woman can do is marry into a family where she is deeply despised or where she constantly feels like she has to fight for acceptance. Trust me, no woman deserves to spend her marriage trying so hard to please people who have already decided they don’t like her.

And it’s not enough to say, “What if my man fights for me?” Yes, you want a man who will stand up for you, but you also need to ask yourself: What happens if he eventually gets tired of defending you? What happens when there is a serious disagreement between you and his family? What happens when he is forced to choose a side?

More importantly, you need to know where your fiancé actually stands. His family is entitled to their opinions, even if those opinions are hurtful and unfair. But the bigger question is whether your partner agrees with them, enables their behaviour, or is willing and capable of setting healthy boundaries with them.

Personally, I would seriously reconsider getting married to him and into that family. I know that sounds extreme, especially when you're already engaged, but marriage doesn't magically make family dynamics easier. In many cases, it makes them more complicated.

You don't have to be loved by everyone in your partner's family. That's unrealistic. But you absolutely need to know that you are respected by your in-laws. Walking away now may hurt terribly, but it will save you from years of resentment, anxiety, and frustration.

Keep your head up.
Love,
Big Aunty.

Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Bring all your questions to the table, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here.

This week’s recs

📖Read: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Americanah for a story of reunion and love rekindled after 15 years. Turns out the love might be old, but it might not be over.

🎧Listen: We’ve handpicked these tracks to create our signature love playlist. We highly recommend pressing play and listening while you read Spilling the Juice. Let these melodies set the perfect mood for today’s gist.