🥤What's the secret to a long-lasting relationship?

Issue 03

👋 Hello. This week we spoke to a couple who've been together for eight years. I’m always fascinated by couples who’ve been together for a long time because, at some point, you’re bound to watch the person you fell in love with become a slightly different person. So I was curious about what keeps them together. Their answer was pretty straightforward, and one I 100% agree with.

In this issue:

Itunu and Samson’s love story
A young lady’s partner wants to go celibate
What are your relationship deal breakers?
This week’s recs

PS: If you'd rather stick to The Juice Friday roundup only, no worries — scroll to the bottom of this email and click "Update your email preferences." You'll see: "Want to receive emails from our sex & relationships newsletter?" Toggle it off, and you won’t see Pillow Talk again.

What is the secret to a long-lasting relationship?

In this week’s edition of Spilling the Juice, we spoke with long-term couple Itunu and Samson. They talk about how they met in a university fellowship, their eight years together, and advice for couples that are yet to marry.

How did you two meet? Was there a moment you knew he was the love of your life?

Itunu: It was in 2018. I was in my first year in university; we met in church, but only started dating in my second year. We attended the same fellowship, so we were used to seeing each other.

There was a time we were taking a walk after one of our dates. During this walk, I was so happy, so I took my shoes off to feel the texture of the sand against my feet. The night was beautiful, and the stars chose that day to shine over us in their numbers.

While we spoke, Samson said seeing me this carefree with him while taking in nature was the most beautiful sight ever. Now, two years married with our child, the ability to be myself and carefree around him (that I normally won’t do with others) without feeling judged was all the sign I needed then.

Samson: I met Itunu in FSF, a school campus fellowship. We started as friends, and with time, things became serious.

There was a time I had issues that could affect my academics. Itunu really carried my matter on her head, unlike anyone else has ever done.

I was amazed that she gave my case that much attention and priority. And it was only because of her input that matters got resolved. I can never forget that gesture, and it makes me forever grateful to have her on my side.

What’s your favourite thing(s) about each other?

Itunu: His aura. He’s so calm and soothing.

Samson: Her personality.

Interesting. Why these?

Itunu: He takes charge of things. I never have to worry about things going wrong because he never lets me worry. The way he handles matters and lets me be the baby girl I am. With him, I know I’m well covered.

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Samson: By her personality, I mean she’s really intelligent, beautiful, and has the biggest heart. All she needs to do is walk into the room, and I know my worries are settled. Whatever stress I feel also disappears. She always makes me smile.

What was your biggest fight? What happened?

Itunu: It was about a year ago. Decision-making caused that fight. We had a decision with a tight deadline. I was very passionate about it, and while I spoke about it. He was uninterested, and that made me even madder. It was as though the issue wasn't a big elephant in the room. I didn't like that, and I reacted angrily.

Samson: Yes. That was what happened. On the contrary, we couldn't reach a consensus, and I was trying to think of other ways we could go about it. That was why Itunu thought I wasn’t taking the matter as urgently as I should. When she voiced her anger, we were at loggerheads for hours. I think hours rolled into days. We still spoke, but it was obvious there was a strain.

How did you later resolve it?

Itunu: Our parents. After days of not being on good terms, I didn’t like the feeling that came with being in the house without the mood being right, so we called our parents’ attention. They had more experience, of course, and they sat us through an online call, and we resolved it. We’ve never been that close to the edge since that time.

Samson: Many thanks to our parents for real. It was still early in the marriage, and we’d not had that major conflict before, so imagine how tense it was. We resolved that and were able to make that decision before time ran out. We handle things better through dialogue now.

What is your secret to a long-lasting relationship?

Itunu: Love God. When you are well loved, and it is backed by God, time is nothing. The love just keeps building and getting stronger. Also, don’t let anything rob you of your individuality, not even the other party. Learn to have things that show your identity too.

Samson: Same for me. I’ll say love God. Loving God teaches you to love your partner easily. Even when you are wrong or in the wrong, you are convicted in handling your relationship well. That’s it. Love God, love your partner.

Is there any activity that has strengthened your bond?

Itunu: Communication. Not just any communication, because a lot can be said and not heard, and also heard but not said. Effective communication is what we continue to do, and having the hardest conversations early enough.

Samson: We carry out almost every activity together. Also hold regular intentional reviews.

How does the regular intentional review work?

Samson: It’s a little performance meeting where each person says what they’ve noticed and discusses changes that have or haven’t been made to certain issues previously raised. We also discuss how to handle matters going forward. It helps us check each other.

For couples that have been together for a long time, like you, but yet to marry. Based on your experience, how would you advise them to keep going?

Itunu: Once you know this is someone you want to spend your life with and their intentions are true, tested, and trusted, there’s no reason to waste time. No perfect time. Choose each other again and again, starting with marriage. Just go for it.

Samson: I agree. Life is such a humbler, so no need to waste more time. If your values are aligned, no need to wait and hang around.

If you’d love to spill the juice on your love story, tell us here. You can be anonymous if you prefer.

Polls

In our last issue, most of you (66.7%) voted that long dating should only be 1-2 years. This week, we want to know your biggest deal-breakers in relationships. Cast your votes!

What's your biggest deal-breaker in a relationship?

No ambition

Cheating

Long distance

Terrible communication

Ask Big Aunty

Q: My partner suddenly decided we should stop having sex and go celibate. He wouldn't give an exact reason, but he keeps rambling that we need it and it’ll be good for our relationship growth. My friends say he’s getting some somewhere else. What do you think I should do? I don’t want to go celibate, by the way. I don't need that growth.

My darling,

First of all, sex is sweet, so I understand the frustration but let’s put the sex aside for a second because there’s a bigger issue here.

There are many reasons someone may suddenly want to go celibate: personal beliefs, emotional changes, guilt, religious convictions, relationship concerns or, yes, possibly another person. How they communicate it is what’s important.

He is allowed to change his mind about having sex. Nobody owes anyone sex, even in a committed relationship. But if you both entered the relationship expecting a sexual relationship and he suddenly decides, without properly discussing what it means for both of you, that you should now be celibate, then you have every right to say the arrangement no longer works for you. A relationship requires two people to consent to its terms.

Honestly, what concerns me more than celibacy is the lack of communication. If he genuinely believes abstaining from sex will help your relationship grow, what exactly are you growing towards? What does he think sex is preventing you from building? What does he hope will change? Is this temporary or indefinite? Is he asking you to join him, or has he already decided for both of you?

Have a proper conversation, but don’t make it solely about sex. Relationships require uncomfortable conversations but growth should come through mutual understanding.

Talk about the future and state of your relationship. Ask him what has changed for him and whether there is something about the relationship he hasn’t been telling you. You may need more than one conversation, so don’t accept vague answers.

Also, please, don’t let this become a referendum on your desirability. When someone suddenly withdraws intimacy without explanation, it is very easy to start thinking that way.

Don't spiral before you actually know what is happening. If he still refuses to communicate clearly while expecting you to simply accept a relationship that no longer meets your needs, then darling, you have your answer.

You don’t have to agree to celibacy just because someone you love has decided it is good for them. You are allowed to have needs, boundaries, and deal-breakers too.

Love,
Big Aunty.

Big Aunty has heard it all, and she's not judging you. Situationship gone stale? Something you can't ask your friends? Whether you’re a man or woman, she’ll answer honestly. Ask anonymously here.